I had two wake up calls that have really got me thinking how great life is, and how ED should have no part in it.
First off, when my parents and I told my sister about my situation, she was really upset. She told me how awful I looked at my lowest weight and that skinny did no suite me. She didn't want anything worse to come out of this, and she wanted me to win the battle. It really made me realize how much my sister really cared for me. I know my Mom and Dad have been telling me how much they love me and how much they don't want ED to win, but hearing it from my sister just made me 'wake up' to such a larger extent.
Secondly, last weekend I helped a girl who has muscular dystrophy. I took her grocery shopping and did her laundry. Honestly, it just made me realize how lucky I am to have a body that is mobile, that can walk, run, jump, drive a car, pick out my own groceries, fix my hair, have a shower, sit down on the toilet by myself, etc, etc. After my visit with her I had such a huge push to get healthy. Two weeks ago I never imagined myself saying that I want to gain weight. I just am so excited to get healthy, to feel strong, to get the body a young 20 year old should be showing off. Amanda from .seek. commented on one of my posts the other day, and said "Women aren't meant to have the bodies of teenage boys... teenage boys are meant to have the bodies of teenage boys. We, on the other hand, need our beautiful curves." This comment really hit home. It made me realize that I'm supposed to be able to buy bras that fit and jeans that fit snug to a bum.
So for the past week, I have been eating my way through each day. I feel like I'm always eating, I feel full all the time. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty uncomfortable. My gut just constantly feels bloated and extended. *Sigh*, but I know my body needs this right? Also, I thought with all of this food, I would have more energy. Wrong. I'm tired as poop. I don't know what that's all about. I've been getting a decent amount of sleep, and I'm taking all of my supplements...hmm, I have no clue.
Also...for the past 2 days I haven't counted calories or measured!!!
One last thing, I've decided to stay clear from cardio. I came back from the gym today and realized that I just can't put any more food into my system then I am already putting in, so burning extra calories would just defeat the purpose of gaining any weight, right? I think I'll stick to light yoga, and maybe start some weight lifting.
You are doing amazing, Meg. Seriously. I can see the desire to recover in you, and there's no doubt in my mind that you're going to beat these ED demons, especially with realizations like that. Yes, there are people that love you and care about you and want you to be well. And we are definitely lucky to have a body that's able to do things for us. We need to honor it by treating it properly and I'm glad to see you doing that by avoiding the heavy exercise and eating the right amount. So proud of you <3
ReplyDeleteAlso, in regards to being exhausted even though you're eating more, that's pretty common. Your body is putting all of the newfound energy you're giving it into healing itself, so you feel drained as a result. This is a good sign! It means you're going in the right direction :)