I Am Beautiful. You Are Beautiful.

Wow, it has been a while since my last post. I guess studying and exams sort of takes priority.

I've been doing okay, nourishing myself and all - but honestly I'm having such a hard time with this weight gain thing. I am really hating the extra pounds that have been added onto my body, I just don't feel like 'me'. My clothes are beginning to get snug here and there and I just feel heavy. Although I'm feeling this digust, I have noticed how much helathier my skin and hair looks. I'm also loving my hands, is that weird? They don't look like old granny hands anymore, not so bony and veiny, with fine lines and turning blue out of cold. They're fuller and soft looking, they look like what 20 year old hands should look like! *Sigh*, anyway, I was so excited to read on Amanda's blog the other day that she tagged me for the Beautiful Award! Amanda's was very inspirational to read and Amanda, I thank you for thinking of me!

1) What physical features do you love about yourself?

Sorry if I come across vain here, but, I really love my eyes. I think they're such a cool colour. They're green with a bit of gray and turquoise. I think it's really neat how you can tell a lot from someone's eyes. You can tell if they've been crying, if they're happy, if they're scared, nervous or worried. When I was really sick, I look back at pictures and you can tell through my eyes that I was sick. My family always tells me how I have life back in my eyes, how they sparkle and how they're not dull. That makes me happy!

2) How do you personally take care of yourself?

As strange as it may seem, I'm pretty good at taking care of myself. I sleep when my body tells me I'm tired, I have a routine in the bathroom before I head to bed, making sure my face is all clean and my teeth are sparkling white. I avoid the foods that make me sick (with regards to my Crohn's disease), and I exercise. The only thing I was lacking was in the food department. I have not nourished my body in a very long time, and for that I get sad, because all of these years I thought I was being good to my body.

3) What are you looking forward to?

I am looking forward to just living life free of this stupid ED. I am looking forward to having energy! I am looking forward to laughing and having fun, without ED nagging in my head.

4) Who has aided your recovery the most?

Well, my Mom is the best mother, friend and motivator ever. She has been so great with me as I walk through this rocky path, but I think that I have to say that I'm the one who has helped me recover the most. I was in SO much denial about having anorexia for so many years, so if anyone had ever tried to "out me", I would have just denied what they were saying. It was me who realized I needed to get help. At the very beginning of recovery, I was given suggestions on how to eat in order to gain weight...did I follow them? Hell no. I knew I wanted to get better, I wasn't ready to actually take charge. It wasn't until a couple weeks ago that I actually made the switch and I started eating to gain.

5) What was the very last thing you ate?

The very last thing I ate was breakfast. I had plain soy yogurt with honey, rice cakes with sunflower seed butter and an apple. It was good, and I am full!

6) What is one material thing you are dying to have right now?

Hmm...well, new clothes for sure haha. I really need to get clotehs that I feel comfortable in, because I am slowly growing out of all my 16 year old clothes...which is a good thing, right?

7) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

I would love to go back to Paris, definitely. I went to Paris for the first time a few years ago, and it was amazing...although, what I did there was something that really triggered my ED...I went there for modeling. Modeling was a huge factor in my development of anorexia.

8 ) What is/was your biggest fear food, and how will/did you conquer it?

My biggest fear foods are chips, pasta (gluten free pasta that is), pancakes/waffles and desserts. All of these foods I find have no nutritional value, they're just "calories". What if I eat them and I don't get satisfied from them? I'll still be hungry and have to eat more.....

9) What are your dreams for life after ED?

To beat ED down and feel good about it! I want to be high on life, with tons of energy and no regrets or guilt tied to eating. I want to go out with my friends and order real food at a restaurant, not just a measly old salad with a side of water.

10) What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?

If you have an eating disorder, take charge! Don't wait to see how much thinner you can get...because truthfully, you may not survive. Wow, I know, that sounded really harsh...but what scared me the most at being my lowest weight was what could have happened to me...If you have an eating disorder, don't be afraid to tell someone you trust. I was SO scared to tell my parents. I was afraid they would be mad at me, and it would just be another burden on them...as for all of the years I was struggling with ED, I have also been battling Crohn's disease...They were not mad at all. They were so happy I told them. The only thing my mom was upset about was the fact that I had a huge secret kept from her. If you don't have an eating disorder - just keep loving your body. No body is the same and everyone is beautiful. You are beautiful just the way you are, and trust me...bone thin is not pretty.