I Am Beautiful. You Are Beautiful.

Wow, it has been a while since my last post. I guess studying and exams sort of takes priority.

I've been doing okay, nourishing myself and all - but honestly I'm having such a hard time with this weight gain thing. I am really hating the extra pounds that have been added onto my body, I just don't feel like 'me'. My clothes are beginning to get snug here and there and I just feel heavy. Although I'm feeling this digust, I have noticed how much helathier my skin and hair looks. I'm also loving my hands, is that weird? They don't look like old granny hands anymore, not so bony and veiny, with fine lines and turning blue out of cold. They're fuller and soft looking, they look like what 20 year old hands should look like! *Sigh*, anyway, I was so excited to read on Amanda's blog the other day that she tagged me for the Beautiful Award! Amanda's was very inspirational to read and Amanda, I thank you for thinking of me!

1) What physical features do you love about yourself?

Sorry if I come across vain here, but, I really love my eyes. I think they're such a cool colour. They're green with a bit of gray and turquoise. I think it's really neat how you can tell a lot from someone's eyes. You can tell if they've been crying, if they're happy, if they're scared, nervous or worried. When I was really sick, I look back at pictures and you can tell through my eyes that I was sick. My family always tells me how I have life back in my eyes, how they sparkle and how they're not dull. That makes me happy!

2) How do you personally take care of yourself?

As strange as it may seem, I'm pretty good at taking care of myself. I sleep when my body tells me I'm tired, I have a routine in the bathroom before I head to bed, making sure my face is all clean and my teeth are sparkling white. I avoid the foods that make me sick (with regards to my Crohn's disease), and I exercise. The only thing I was lacking was in the food department. I have not nourished my body in a very long time, and for that I get sad, because all of these years I thought I was being good to my body.

3) What are you looking forward to?

I am looking forward to just living life free of this stupid ED. I am looking forward to having energy! I am looking forward to laughing and having fun, without ED nagging in my head.

4) Who has aided your recovery the most?

Well, my Mom is the best mother, friend and motivator ever. She has been so great with me as I walk through this rocky path, but I think that I have to say that I'm the one who has helped me recover the most. I was in SO much denial about having anorexia for so many years, so if anyone had ever tried to "out me", I would have just denied what they were saying. It was me who realized I needed to get help. At the very beginning of recovery, I was given suggestions on how to eat in order to gain weight...did I follow them? Hell no. I knew I wanted to get better, I wasn't ready to actually take charge. It wasn't until a couple weeks ago that I actually made the switch and I started eating to gain.

5) What was the very last thing you ate?

The very last thing I ate was breakfast. I had plain soy yogurt with honey, rice cakes with sunflower seed butter and an apple. It was good, and I am full!

6) What is one material thing you are dying to have right now?

Hmm...well, new clothes for sure haha. I really need to get clotehs that I feel comfortable in, because I am slowly growing out of all my 16 year old clothes...which is a good thing, right?

7) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

I would love to go back to Paris, definitely. I went to Paris for the first time a few years ago, and it was amazing...although, what I did there was something that really triggered my ED...I went there for modeling. Modeling was a huge factor in my development of anorexia.

8 ) What is/was your biggest fear food, and how will/did you conquer it?

My biggest fear foods are chips, pasta (gluten free pasta that is), pancakes/waffles and desserts. All of these foods I find have no nutritional value, they're just "calories". What if I eat them and I don't get satisfied from them? I'll still be hungry and have to eat more.....

9) What are your dreams for life after ED?

To beat ED down and feel good about it! I want to be high on life, with tons of energy and no regrets or guilt tied to eating. I want to go out with my friends and order real food at a restaurant, not just a measly old salad with a side of water.

10) What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?

If you have an eating disorder, take charge! Don't wait to see how much thinner you can get...because truthfully, you may not survive. Wow, I know, that sounded really harsh...but what scared me the most at being my lowest weight was what could have happened to me...If you have an eating disorder, don't be afraid to tell someone you trust. I was SO scared to tell my parents. I was afraid they would be mad at me, and it would just be another burden on them...as for all of the years I was struggling with ED, I have also been battling Crohn's disease...They were not mad at all. They were so happy I told them. The only thing my mom was upset about was the fact that I had a huge secret kept from her. If you don't have an eating disorder - just keep loving your body. No body is the same and everyone is beautiful. You are beautiful just the way you are, and trust me...bone thin is not pretty.

Full but Fighting

It has been over a week where I have been loading myself up on lots of good food, determined to gain weight!

I had two wake up calls that have really got me thinking how great life is, and how ED should have no part in it.

First off, when my parents and I told my sister about my situation, she was really upset. She told me how awful I looked at my lowest weight and that skinny did no suite me. She didn't want anything worse to come out of this, and she wanted me to win the battle. It really made me realize how much my sister really cared for me. I know my Mom and Dad have been telling me how much they love me and how much they don't want ED to win, but hearing it from my sister just made me 'wake up' to such a larger extent.

Secondly, last weekend I helped a girl who has muscular dystrophy. I took her grocery shopping and did her laundry. Honestly, it just made me realize how lucky I am to have a body that is mobile, that can walk, run, jump, drive a car, pick out my own groceries, fix my hair, have a shower, sit down on the toilet by myself, etc, etc. After my visit with her I had such a huge push to get healthy. Two weeks ago I never imagined myself saying that I want to gain weight. I just am so excited to get healthy, to feel strong, to get the body a young 20 year old should be showing off. Amanda from .seek. commented on one of my posts the other day, and said "Women aren't meant to have the bodies of teenage boys... teenage boys are meant to have the bodies of teenage boys. We, on the other hand, need our beautiful curves." This comment really hit home. It made me realize that I'm supposed to be able to buy bras that fit and jeans that fit snug to a bum.

So for the past week, I have been eating my way through each day. I feel like I'm always eating, I feel full all the time. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty uncomfortable. My gut just constantly feels bloated and extended. *Sigh*, but I know my body needs this right? Also, I thought with all of this food, I would have more energy. Wrong. I'm tired as poop. I don't know what that's all about. I've been getting a decent amount of sleep, and I'm taking all of my supplements...hmm, I have no clue.

Also...for the past 2 days I haven't counted calories or measured!!!

One last thing, I've decided to stay clear from cardio. I came back from the gym today and realized that I just can't put any more food into my system then I am already putting in, so burning extra calories would just defeat the purpose of gaining any weight, right? I think I'll stick to light yoga, and maybe start some weight lifting.

Screw You!

Yep, screw you ED. You have pretty much been dominating my life for the past few years now, telling me not to eat too much, telling me that "this" or "that" has to many calories and isn't healthy, telling me to go and exercise because I've had to many calories, telling me to stay underweight just to fit in a size 0...you've pretty much been filling my head with a lot of stupid nonsense that has just been making me even more sick with my gut.

I've really just had enough with you and although you'll continue to make unwanted remarks, I've decided to just totally ignore you.

I want to be at a healthy weight, with a healthy BMI. I want my period back!

So far it has been day 2 where I have totally ignored you! Yesterday and today I've listened to ME and have eaten what I want to eat. Although you're still bugging me to count my calories, I've been challenging you by increasing them significantly. Although you get mad for how many I've consumed, I just tell you to shut up and I reassure myself that my body needs the extra fuel.

You were so mad yesterday when I had two slices of toast for breakfast instead of one...plus granola in my applesauce....but did I care? Nope! I was satisfied and not sleepy in my 8:30am class. You were mad at me when I decided to have a bowl of cereal for my snack between lunch and dinner instead of a measly little apple with cinnamon, but did I care? Nope! I was hungry and I wanted to have energy before I hit the gym. You pushed me to work out when really I was actually pretty tired. When I decided to only workout for 30 min, you got mad, telling me I should've burnt off the extra calories I ate for breakfast and snack...but did I care? Haha, no!! I was ready to go back home and make another meal!

I'm a nice person, don't get me wrong. I never want to disappoint anyone, I'm always the 'sweet, kind and caring' person...but not around you buddy. I don't care how mean I am to you and how much I disappoint you!

So screw you ED, I have no more patience for you in my life!

A Woman's Body

For the past few years now, I've been keeping my body in the state of a 16 year old. Well, maybe more like a 13 year old, as because of my low body fat, my period has decided to go to sleep. I want to get better. I want to have a woman's body. I want to look my age.

But why does my ED keep telling me to stay a size 0 and stay like a walking hanger? I want my jeans to fit me, and have a bum to fill them, but ED wants them to be baggy and sag in my bum. Do you think guys like that? I don't think so! I want to fill my bras and maybe bare a little cleavage...but why does ED want me to fit the smallest size bra that you can't find anywhere except for specialty bra shops? Why does ED want me to be able to wear shirts that don't show off anything 'womanly'?

I know what I want, and I'm starting to realize that being skinny isn't pretty. I'm starting to see woman on TV and in magazine ads with healthy bodies who glow, and who are pretty because they are a healthy weight. They have curves with healthy flowing hair, and glowing skin with a sparkle in their eyes. I no longer think that skinny pale models with dull hair and bones sticking out is pretty. ED is crazy for thinking stick thin is pretty...if ED wants a hanger, then he is in the wrong place...because I am not going to live in a body of a young teenager when I'm clearly past that time in my life.

I wish ED would go away. He puts stupid thoughts in my head every second. He tells me to count, to measure, to not eat so much, to compare myself with other girls, to work off calories, to get mad if my pants aren't baggy, to look at myself in the mirror and believe "this is to big" or "that doesn't look good". It is so frustrating! As frustrating as it is, I think I'm giving him a good challenge everyday, trying to prove him wrong and overpowering what he says.

My question for you is: Do you compare yourself to other girls? Do you get upset when someone is skinnier than you?

Meg: 1, ED: 0

Hi everyone! Welcome to my blog.

If you haven't read my 'About Me' page, under the title of "The Winner", well I'll let just reiterate what I wrote in this post.

I've just recently admitted I have an eating disorder. I haven't been true to myself or the ones I love for the past few years and I've been terrible to the only body I'll ever have.

The first step in recovery is to admit you have a problem. No one else can tell you to make a change until you have decided for yourself to make a change, and it is only now that I have decided I am going to beat this ED down. I am going to win!

This blog is dedicated to keep me on track, and to be honest with myself each and every day.

I know that recovery won't be perfect, and that I'll have days where my ED will be really powerful, but I won't let him win. I'll be the the stronger opponent in this battle and I'll do what ever I'll have to do to get healthy.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately, especially ones relating to those battling with eating disorders. I've found all of you bloggers to be so inspirational and motivating, and I know that I can be just as strong and determined as all of you!

Here is to being healthy and living life for all that is positive.

Today has been a good day, but tomorrow will be even better!